I’m doing my best to stay optimistic and to keep faith that tomorrow will be better. I haven’t been fine for a very long time, and I wonder if I will ever know what “fine” actually feels like again.
You smiled back and said, “I’m so glad to hear that. I politely replied, “I’m fine” and forced a smile that I hoped would be believable. So much has happened since the last time we saw each other. If somebody seems down to you and they answer I’m Fine……….(they might be) but a few more prying questions could go along way.“Tears are words that need to be written.” ~Paulo Coelho This post is reminder to all that no matter how happy somebody may appear there could be something seriously bothering them deep down especially if you can see a difference in the person. I have even become more comfortable telling people I am seeing a psychologist and Thursday has now become known as “Therapy Thursday”! The ability to discuss this with people has become a lot easier the past few weeks especially as people have approached me about my blog and thanked me for doing this. It is a reminder to me to not be afraid to ask for help or to not be afraid to discuss with people what I am going through.It is also a reminder that saving me starts with me. The way the tattoo faces people, they will read I’m Fine but when I look it, I read Save Me. It was done in a font that when you flipped it over it would read “Save Me”. I found a tattoo online of the words “I’m Fine”. For my birthday, 12 days ago, I got new ink to remind myself of my answer for years but also a reminder to not be afraid to ask for help when needed. It might have been long overdue but I started. I am fortunate I was able to get over that shame and finally seek help.
I was one of the ones who suffered from the fear of the stigma of getting help! Save Me The major reason that is stated for such a disturbing number….the shame of seeking help especially for depression. Of that number, well over 50% will not seek or get the help the need. Depending on the study, it is either 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 people with suffer from a mental illness at some point in their life. I was part of a very disturbing statistic in the treatment of depression and other mental illness. Shame of possibly being clinically depressed Why did I not directly say I needed help or just say I was not fine? There are several reasons (while they may be stupid reasons): It was the answer to stop people from asking again at the same time it was cry for help. Most of the time it was double edge sword reply. A few times, my answer was honest and I was fine. Whether if it was family or friends asking, the response was the same. Regardless of how I was feeling, my answer was always these two words. As I explained to my psychologist, the closest I could get to suicide would be to pack on my stuff in my car and disappear for awhile! I still have races to do! So, I am not offended if you did think that initially…….but rest assured, I’m Fine! I’m fine…….įor years, that was my response to everybody who ever asked me how I was doing. Now, before you delve into things, I am not suicidal and yes my psychologist asked that as well as we discussed the situation with Chris Cornell. Obviously, given all that I have been through and some of the low points I have hit the past few months, the news of Chris Cornell hit very close to me. But like a lot of people, most thought, what do they have to depressed about? They are rich and famous! But does that exclude people from being able to be depressed? Despite outward appearances, nothing excludes anybody from the ability to be depressed or being affected by a mental illness. Despite having a song title “My Depression”, people were surprised when Bruce Springsteen announced he had dealt with depression. The unfortunate and sad news of Chris Cornell just shows, regardless how happy or successful a person may appear to you, you never know what inner daemons they are dealing with deep inside. Going into this week, I kind of had an idea of the next post for the blog but after hearing the news of Chris Cornell, I knew I needed to go a different direction before I could move on to the more positive post of my learning to deal better with my Persistent Depressive Disorder. In a sweet sunshower” Sunshower – Chris Cornell
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